Cloverfield

So Lily and Jason throw a going away party for Rob in their hip New York apartment. He got a new job in Japan.


At the party Hud starts to videotape the guest’s good luck messages (like they do at a wedding). Hud seems to want to videotape this chick Marlena a lot. Marlena is freaked out a bit. During the party, it’s discovered that Beth and Rob hooked up a month ago but Rob ignored her afterwards because he knew he was leaving. But they obviously love each other. Beth gets upset and leaves the party. Just as you start to think how lame this party is BAM! Some shit goes down.



The crew runs outside to discover the head of the statute of liberty conveniently outside their apartment. Hud keeps videotaping. People are running, getting evacuated, etc. Marlena gets a glimpse and says “it was eating” but no one seems to care. Instead they all decide to go leave Manhattan via the Brooklyn Bridge. During the trek across the bridge, Beth calls Rob on his cell phone causing his party of followers to stop what they’re doing, except for Jason who has a brain of his own and keeps walking. Unfortunately, Jason gets smashed as the bridge collapses. Oh noes! Now what? Save Beth of course!



Rob must save Beth and despite the huge line of evacuating people, the national guard bombing the city, and the huge ass monster running around (complete with spider-like minions) everyone decides this is the best plan. So Lily, Marlena, Rob, and Hud venture into the tunnels of the subway and try to make their way to a safer surface, near Beth’s apartment. A monster minion in the tunnels attacks Marlena. Hud is worried. He thought he was going to get laid tonight. The group leaves the tunnel and stumbles upon a quarantined area where Marlena begins to “not feel so well.”




Her head explodes or something, maybe a little monster jumps out of her. In any case, the group is upset but they must save Beth! They find out there are some copters leaving at 6.

After climbing up a million stairs, the three remaining friends find Beth, in her collapsed apartment, with a pole through her. No problem, let’s just pull out the pole and get on with our escape.



The four make it to the helicopters and get separated from Lily. Rob, Beth, and Hud get on the second copter that gets knocked down by The Monster. Owned! But these three aren’t dead yet. They survive the crash and land in Central Park, soon to be known as Cloverfield. The Monster is still hungry and eats Hud.



Oh noes? Luckily, Rob grabs the camera so that we can watch him and Beth die a horrible death under a bridge in Central Park.



The End. Or is it?
Grade: A

No Country for Old Men

Thanks to Brad for recommending I lego-ize this movie. So here is a recap of what happens in this film by the Cohen Brothers.

So this guy Llewelyn Moss is out playing with his rifle one day when he comes across a major crime scene in the desert. There are bodies all over the place. There is also a truck full of money. Llewelyn (whose name I already hate typing) takes the money and hides it under his house. His wife is all "what the hell is going on?" Llewelyn seems to know someone is watching his back. The money belongs to someone, right?



Llewelyn is right. This psychopath Anton is running around killing people with an O2 tank just because he's likes to express his creativity in strange ways.

Llewelyn runs from Anton. Anton tracks down Llewelyn. Llewelyn tries to hide the money in a hotel. Anton has a tracking device on the money. Niiiiiiice. Run, Llewelyn, Run!



The chase continues. Llewelyn (whose name I still hate typing) disposes of the tracking device but Anton is still hot on his tail. Llewelyn eventually gets killed by some Mexicans! No way! Yes way.

Did I mention Tommy Lee Jones is in this movie? Oops. He plays a sheriff on the brink of retirement while Anton is on the loose and has to live with the fact that he's just too old to catch any more criminals. Apparently, it's no country for old men. Anton kills Llewelyn's wife and then moseys to freedom, with his money.



Grade: B+

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

For my first synopsis I decided to do Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street because it is was my favorite movie released in 2007. I won't always review movies I like so don't get too relaxed. Here is my summation:

Opening
Wait? Is there going to be blood in this movie?
Hey look, it's Johnny Depp (pictured above)...and he's talking weird kinda like he's OH NO is this a musical??? Who's the scrappy fella singing next to him? He needs to eat something, maybe some pie. Scappy's name is Anthony and he's a sailor.

So Sweeney is sad. Sweeney sings that he's sad. His wife and child were taken from him and he was sent to jail for fifteen years.

Sweeney meets Mrs. Lovett (pictured above). She is sad. Times is hard, times is hard. She has no meat for her meat pies. She sings.

Sweeney is confused. If times are so hard why doesn't she rent out the room upstairs? Probably because Mrs. Lovett has been hording Sweeney's old belongings up there for 15 years. Mrs. Lovett sings again. Sweeney kicks Mrs. Lovett out of the room so he can sing a song to his old razors, "his friends." His friend do not sing back.

Sweeney is relieved, he has a place to live. He also has his old razors. Sweeney vows vengeance on Judge Turnpin (not pictured).

Sweeney's 16 year old daughter Johanna is sad. She sings that she's sad. Anthony hears her and falls in love with her. He sings. Judge Turpin has the Beatle beat up Anthony for "gandering at his ward." Anthony sings again. Screw the Judge, he wants some 16-year old tail. He asks Sweeney for help. Sweeney agrees.

Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett go to town. Toby, a small boy sings. While in town Sweeney out shaves Senior Perelli. He sings.

Sweeney is sad. Perelli shows up and tries to blackmail Sweeney while Toby gets drunk with Mrs. Lovett downstairs. Sweeney kills Perelli. Mrs. Lovett finds out. Mrs. Lovett is upset, wait, now she's cool with it. Sweeney wants to kill Toby. Mrs. Lovett says, she rather have him as a shop boy.

The Judge comes for a shave. He's planning on marrying Johanna. Sweeney wants to slit his throat but is distracted by a duet with the Judge. Anthony interrupts. The Judge gets pissed. Sweeney gets pissed. Anthony runs away.

Sweeney has an epiphany. He's going to start killing anyone and everyone to prepare for the next time the Judge comes. Mrs. Lovett agrees this is a great idea and will help her meat pie business. If you get it? Good you got it. The two agree to serve anyone and to anyone at all. They sing. Sweeney slits throats while he sings about how much his misses his daughter.

Business is good. Johanna is incarcerated. Anthony is sad. Toby is suspicious. A crazy old lady suspects foul play. Sweeney still wants vengeance. Mrs. Lovett wants Sweeney's hot bod by the sea. Sweeney isn't really interested in Mrs. Lovett. He'd rather play with "his friends."

Anthony helps Johanna escape from the mental ward. Weeeeeee. She dressed as a boy and hides in Sweeney's old trunk while Anthony gets his ship ready or something. Johanna sees Sweeney kill the Beatle, the Judge, and the Crazy Old Lady. Toby hides from Mrs. Lovett so Sweeney doesn't kill him. At this point there is blood all over the place. It's squirting left and right. Sweeney is covered in it. He discovers Johanna and not knowing she's his daughter, almost kills her but he hears a scream downstairs in the boiler room.

Sweeney is confused. Why did Mrs. Lovett scream? Oh, because the Crazy Old Lady was Sweeney's wife, she had just poisoned herself and gone mad. Sweeney is pissed. He kills Mrs. Lovett. He holds his dead wife. Sweeney sings. Toby slits Sweeney's throat. Blood pours out and swims down the floor boards. Sweeney stops singing.

The End. Grade A